Over thinking..

I was thinking today about all the medications I am putting into my body, what they do to my body and how women in my position have literly given everything to have a baby. I have to plan out when I will be able to take my meds and if I need to be somewhere how to bring them with me. I mentioned before that I am a cheerleading coach and we have a game on Wednsday, it will be durning the time I need to take my stims. So I don't freak out, I just remind myself to pack all my supplies in a lunch box with an ice pack. I am reminded of the time I had to shoot up in the bathroom at my school one night when I had class. One of my classmates walked in. I told her that I wasn't a druggie, just taking my meds! I am sick of the way the meds make me feel. I have horrible headaches from the Lupron and I became very forgetful this last time, I couldn't even remember where I parked when I went to Walmart two weeks ago. I have already stared feeling the "pulls" of my uterus from the stimulants.

Now I am doing all this in the hopes that it won't be for nothing, that I will have a healthy beautiful baby out of all of this. It's a gamble, but a risk I am willing to take.

And the stims begin!

Started my stimulation medication tonight. I am feeling pretty good because I saw I  already have a good start with my follies when I went to my ultrasound Wednesday. I was of course over analyzing the entire thing.  I drew up 1/2Ml of solution and mixed 2 vials of Menopur, I than added 150iu into the same syringe so I have only one shot I do with all my stims in one. when I looked at the medication in the syringe it was still only around 1/2 Ml mark. This worried me a little bit. I just hope I am getting enough medication. I am assuming yes considering all my meds were doubled this time. Oh well, I just need to stop over analyzing this whole process.

Happy Holidays and hopefully a great new year!

I made it through Christmas yay!! Some women were talking on The Bump about dreading Christmas and I thought it was strange, well that was until Christmas day. No one was rude or anything it was just sad that I was going through another Christmas with out a baby. My SIL is pregnant again and that was fine, it's just sad and frustrating to be at this place again.

I have been on Lupron for about 2 weeks now and I had a baseline ultrasound yesterday. The nurse found about 5 follies on my right side and probably 4 on my left! I was a little freaked out that I have only been on Lupron and I produced multiple follies. They were a little worried because the biggest was almost 8mm so they sent me for an estridal blood draw. Of course this was near the end of the day so I didnt know what to think. I ended up caving and calling my nurse when I didn't hear anything by 10:30. It was 33!! That means I am good to go to start my stims on Saturday EKK!!!

I am so ready to be off this rollercoaster..

I am so effin sick of IF, for real. I was all set to go. I was supposed to start Lupron this Friday, Stims on the 29th and ER the week of Jan 7th. But no, why would things be easy for us? our insurance has a lifetime max on our meds. a LIFETIME max. That means that they will never cover our meds again. when does the insurance company and pharmacy figure this out? YESTERDAY!!! and they didn't call me, I had to ride their asses to get my information. The bill? $3,500. After finagling and dropping some things it still came out to $1760. The stimming med Menopur was $58 a vial...I need 16 so yea it adds up.   So I called my nurse up at DART ( the hospital I go to for IF) and she said if I just hold off a month she can start stashing donated meds for me mainly the Menopur. I really don't have a choice so I said yea fine.

However, I have been given a heads up from some very wonderful ladies that I can take donated meds from else where. I am excited because any little bit helps and is less money we will have to pay out of pocket. so fingers crossed things will work out. otherwise I am pushed off again till Feb/March which really sucks cause we are supposed to go away for our anniversary the second week of March. we have been looking forward to this, we really need this time away. But if we are pushed off, treatment would most likely be around the time we are going away. so again FX things work out!!

Protocol for IVF #2!!1

Sorry it has been so long since I updated last. It looks like I will be pretty much cycling through December. Here's what my schedule looks like:

BCP 11/18-12/14
Lupron 12/14
Baseline ultrasound 12/27
Start Stims 12/29
lab work 1/2
ultrasound/ lab work 1/4
andd.....potential procedure 1/7!!!!

I really hope things go better this time. It really is perfect timing, I will be in between semesters so I wont have to worry about school. I will have sometime off of work So I think I will just take the week off. This would put us in late September early October range for due date which is the fall and insidently my most favorite time of year.

Super Busy!

I have been swamped lately! Practices started for my Cheerleading squad this week and we are doing 2 hours every night. I have been thinking about the squad none stop for almost 2 weeks now. The coach last year really sucked and lets face it she was a bitch. She sat around and didn't participate with the girls at all. So needless to say there were some who were apprehensive to sign up, even with a new coach. pair that with the fact that a girl who originally signed up backed out because there was a mentally disabled girl on the squad, oh it gets better, she than went around and started telling other girls not to cheer because of said disabled girl. And even better than that? The disabled girl is my husband's little sister! I was livid when I found out. The girl saying these awful things was also supposed to be my little sister in laws friend. Thankfully she didn't hear what this malicious girl was saying. It was brought to the Athletic Directors attention as well as the Assistant Principal, however there wasn't enough evidence to suggest she actually said anything.

So all of that made a really slow start to my season. Monday I had 2 girls show up, Tuesday I had 6 and today I have 8 (possibly 9) girls and 1 boy on my squad!! I could not be happier. although teaching the boy will be interesting, this is maybe the second time in school history ( really small one town school) that we have ever had a boy on the squad, but he is awesome and a great asset to the squad.
I have CPR certification on Tuesday night. 2 online classes for certification that my school dubs mandatory plus an away rules review in the next 2 weeks. top that off with Thanksgiving next week and getting our tree that weekend makes me a busy lady. I am happy to keep busy because the time will pass that much faster for treatment.
On the treatment front we are really at a standstill until I get my period. I am patiently waiting, so if the meds don't mess it up I should have it in the next couple of days! I will than get my protocol from my nurse and most likely go on birth control and get at least my baseline blood work and ultrasound done.

Other things to focus on!

My sister got engaged on her birthday this past September and it was very exciting and kind of a surprise. Her fiance is amazing, he treats her and here daughter like princesses. My sister was married before to a real idiot, so the whole family is excited for her this time around. She has decided to go with a big wedding, she wants this wedding to be completely different from her last one. She really deserves this and I couldn't be happier for her! So after going to a bridal expo today, her and her fiance came over to my parents house to start making plans. They decided that the wedding is going to be August 17, 2013! This is awesome, but a little nerve wracking all at once. They have the call into the venue they want so hopefully it will be available.
I am happy because this will give me something else to focus on while we are in between cycles. it is also such a joyous event we all can't help but be giddy! However, with her only having 10 months to plan this wedding we really need to get going. But that all will come together, today I am happy and very excited for it to grow once again. I love wedding planning and can't wait to see what my sister's plans are!

In between

I am feeling much better today, although it still stings a little. I think I'm just antsy to get started again. My nurse and I have been emailing back and forth and she said that more than likely I would be starting BCP when I get my period in the next couple of weeks. I don't like this in between crap. I don't like feeling like I am not proactive in getting pregnant. My doctor called yesterday and she said she wanted to talk about my cycle with the team at the next team meeting, so hopefully that will be happening in the next 2 weeks so I can get going as soon as possible. I figured out based on the amount of time of my last cycle that I will be cutting it close while they are on break, but with them changing things I really don't know where I stand, however I can be on BCP for a while so that's good the DR can manipulate my schedule to work with the schedule at the hospital.

I also spent all day with my niece today. It was definitely much needed. She is a great cuddlier and she just puts a smile on my face when I am with her!

Depression

Last night I felt more depressed than I have felt in a long time. My husband and I when we got out of high school got an apartment together. It was hard living together for the first time and figuring out how to live with another person and pay bills so needless to say it was stressful. He ended up breaking up with me and moving out. I was devastated and this was the last time I had felt this bone numbing can't eat or sleep depression. Obviously we got back together, eventually got married and have a healthy relationship. but I hate having that feeling again, it is something I don't  know how to get passed. My nurse did call me back and she said I will be starting BCP's with my next period and they do think they will have a plan for me soon so that is a ray of hope and with starting the BCP I won't feel like I am sitting around waiting and not doing anything.
Even though it is the holiday season I really hope to take off the 20 lbs I have been working on for a while now. through out our IVF cycle I put on almost 10lbs and I really would like to take that off before the next cycle so that is my focus before the next cycle. Plus my coaching starts Monday so that will keep me really busy as well. I am thankful that the mini break will be happening during the holidays so time will fly by.
I have to add as well that Jon has been AWESOME through this. He does not share his feelings at all and I just started crying when I found out about the immature eggs. He didn't say anything at first just hugged me and than said we will keep trying and this isn't it for us. I asked him if he was ready to go in January and he said he was ready when I was. He knows how much it hurts to be around his sister in law for me right now and he constantly rubbed my arm or held my hand. He is my rock and I know he is hurting too, but he has been taking care of me. I can say that even though we have dealt with this our relationship is so much stronger because of it. I love this man to death and it sometimes takes hard stuff like this to happen for me to realize how much I really do appreciate him.

Fert Report

Nothing. We have nothing. The one egg we had did not develop and none of the other 4 matured enough. I am so heart broken and start crying at random times. The nurse said that they will sit down on Friday and go over everything with a fine tooth comb and come up with a new plan. I asked her how soon we could cycle again and she said not until January because they don't do IVF during the holidays. So we are in limbo again. I was really hoping this was it. Jon said we will do it again in January,which is awesome he is ready to get right back into the game, but this just sucks so bad and I am devistated. On the plus side, I don't need a ton of new medication because some of the stuff I have left over can be saved. So this is it for now.

What a effin roller coaster

So I had my ER today, I knew we would have around 7-8 per what the nurse told me on Saturday. We got there and was immediately brought back to the procedure room.  My nurse came in and explained everything to me and told me another nurse would be in to do my IV, I am very scared of IVs. I have only had one before and the woman had such a hard time finding my veins and ended up causing me pain and she bruised the crap out of my arm. Anyways, low and behold they had a hard time finding my veins today too.  it took 2 nurses to finally find a good place for an IV. They put me under and the last thing I remembered was looking at my nurses and doctor while they talked about the election. I woke up to my hubby and one of my nurses sitting next to me. I felt pretty good and didn't really have pain till I started moving around. I got some crackers and water, changed my clothes and I was ready to go. Jon went to give his sample and than within a half an hour after waking up, we were out of there!
After voting we went to my inlaws because Jon's brother came from LA to look at a place he is planning on doing a movie at. I was lounging on the couch for about an hour and the doctor who did the retrieval called. out of the 5 eggs they got NONE of them were mature enough for fertilization. I was floored, angry and just wanted to cry. The doctor did say that they will closely monitor them and there is a possibility they can mature enough to be fertilized. Of course there is a down side, because Jon has anti sperm antibodies, the sample they froze that he gave today may not be good if the eggs do mature enough. I am not too worried about this because it's easy enough to just drive back up and give a fresh sample.

So again a couple of hours later I realized I had missed a call from my nurse. ONE EGG FERTILIZED!! We have at least one at this point and I couldn't be more thrilled. She also said that that one grew in just a couple of hours so there is hope for the other 4 eggs. At this point we are just praying that this roller coaster will stop, my mood has been high and than very low. 

Any extra thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated for our one embie and 4 remaining eggs!

....

Holy shit I am going in for my ER today!! I really haven't slept so I got up at 5am. We don't have to leave until 6:15Am. I drank a lot of water last night because I couldn't have anything after midnight. Well after chugging that water at 11pm I was up peeing all night, about every 2 hours lol. I am glad my ER is so early in the morning because I'm not sure if I would have been able to do the no food and drink thing to later in the day! So I am up, dressed, and have everything to go. Oh except my husband, he is still sound asleep so he is all I am waiting for at this point.

Thoughts and prayers for some good eggs would be greatly appreciated!

Things are moving fast now!!

I went in to my monitoring appointment yesterday and I had 14 eggs on my left side and 7 on my right. only about 12 of those will be some what big enough for ER. I wasn't quite where they wanted me to be and really didn't know if ER would be Tuesday or Wednesday, so they made me come back in today. Now my doctors office is an hour and a half away so when I have monitoring appointments it kind of sucks because it is a long boring drive. Oh and I got lost yesterday because it was the first time I had driven up there by myself so I almost ended up in Canada lol! Anyways, they upped my dosage of Gonal-F to 150 U from 75U last night.
When I went in for monitoring today some of the eggs grew up to 3 mm! that is a good amount in only 24 hours. My nurse said she was pretty sure as long as my E2 came back higher that I would be going in for a Tuesday ER. I ended up calling the nurse before she called me because I was worried I hadn't heard anything. She said we are all set for ER at 9:15 Tuesday morning ( insert scared face here)! I have been thinking since the beginning of this cycle that we would be doing it this day so I am excited, but a little apprehensive. I have never had any sort of surgery, not even minor so this is a big deal for me plus this could be the week we get pregnant. I am also irrationally nervous because the nurse told me there are 3 other retrievals that day and I am afraid they are going to mix the eggs up or use the wrong sperm in my eggs. I know I'm a freak and think about the most extreme things lol.
So that is the update on me!

First Monitoring appointment

Got my results back and my E2 was 260. My nurse said this was good and she wants me to keep my dosage at what it is. I thought it was too low both my E2 and my dosage, but after talking to the women  on The Bump it seems to be normal. I love the fact that there is a community that I can ask questions and feel like I belong since I don't know anyone in real life who are also dealing with the level of Infertility Jon and I are. I am still having cramping, it is really off and on. I feel pretty good overall though.
Today is Halloween so HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I am super excited for the trick-or-treaters tonight. This is our first Halloween in our house and we live in a development across the street from the local school so this street gets packed with kids. I can't wait!

Hurricane and other world wind news.

Now I live in NH so I won't be hit that hard, but we do have wind and flood warnings. I have gotten emails and phone calls from both our cable company and electrical company saying that we will probably lose power and cable. The winds have really picked up and our Governor declared a state of emergency so I guess we will see where this storm goes. My original plan for IVF had put me in an egg retrieval of this week. Thank God we got pushed back a week, otherwise we would be doing our treatment in the middle of this mess!

Also I got paper work from my insurance telling me they approved my IVF...only in the office down here!! My RE has her office down in the town next door, but she is affiliated with Dartmouth in Lebanon. Lebanon is a huge hospital and where the actually ER and ET takes place. I started freaking out because I am supposed to have ER and ET done next week. So I called my insurance and she said there was no indication that the IVF would be done at any other place than the local office. I explained to her that I know Dartmouth called because they told me I was all set and wouldn't have let me go through with everything if I wasn't. She talked to her supervisor and even her supervisor couldn't verify anything. So she said that she would call me back. Luckily, not even an hour she called me back and we are all set! Thank God because we have pretty much full coverage, just a $300 co-payment.

On another note, I am cramping big time, I am going to be very uncomfortable by this time next week, however next week is the week of ER and ET!!!  I have made the decision to hide people on FB today, there are a couple of women who are updating everyday about their pregnancies and for my sanity and there safety ( Just kidding...kind of) I have decided to hide their updates. I feel much better now :) if you think that is childish you have clearly never been jacked up on hormonal meds and dealt with infertility for 2 years.

Stay safe everyone!!!

Day 2 of stims

On day 2 of stims and I'm already crampy! I'm thinking this is good cause that means the meds are working. I just hope they aren't working too well. My doctor is very cautious because of my younger age she is worried I will over stimulate and develop OHSS. I was really nervous about giving myself the stims because I have heard it hurts and burns and other unpleasant things. However I iced for 5 minutes and didn't feel a thing! So I am on 5U of Lupron still and 75U of Menupor mixed with 150U of Gonal-F.

On another note, Hurricane Sandy is coming this way and I really don't know how much we will get in the terms of rain or wind, but my college classes are already canceled and so aren't all the schools around us. National Guard has been activated and all the tree guys are on alert. Now I have to work tomorrow morning till noon so lets hope I can get to my clients houses. If you are in the Hurricane zone please stay safe!!

Starting Stims and other good news.

Tonight is the night I have been waiting for for about 2 weeks now. I start my stimming medication! This means things are going to start moving fast now (hopefully) I will be taking 75U of Menopur and 150U of Gonal-F. It has really been a mess getting to this point. I got all my syringes, progesterone and suppressants from one pharmacy, they wouldn't approve my Menopur or what was supposed to be Follistim from the same pharmacy. So a week and a half ago Freedom Pharmacy my new pharmacy called, they would not send my medication till this Thursday causing me to not get them meds until the day before I needed them, they also said they HAD to be signed for. My last pharmacy gave me the option of having it signed for our not. Nope Freedom said someone had to our they wouldn't leave it. I freaked out, I couldn't take the time off because I will be taking off at least 3 days in the next 2 weeks for monitoring appointments. So I was having it sent to my MIL so she would be there. MIL had an appointment that morning so I didn't want her to have to cancel it so I had it sent to my SIL instead because she stays home during the day. So I thought we were all set. Wrong.

I got a call from my nurse at 3:30 pm on the day the meds were supposed to be sent. the insurance decided they want me to take Gonal-F pen instead of the Follistim pen. I have never looked at this and was familiar and comfortable with the Follistim, but if I wanted my meds in time for this cycle I would have to go with the Gonal-F so I said fine I would do some reading up on it and looking at the injection info on Freedom's website. I hadn't gotten an email by 5:30 to say if it had been sent out yet so I called the pharmacy myself. They were still getting it together and haven't even sent it out!!! I was pissed so I asked him if I would even get it Friday or if it wouldn't even be in till Saturday, the day I needed it? He said it was still possible to get it Friday and to just look for the confirmation email. I said that didn't f#cking help me, and hung up on him.

I got a call back from the pharmacy a half an hour later to tell me they sent it out and oh yea the co-payment was $128!! I know that is small considering we have coverage but with co-payment we have paid $200 dollars and I didn't expect them to be that much. Thankfully everything got here yesterday and I feel pretty comfortable giving my shot tonight at 9 pm!!

Also I got the Cheerleading Coach position!!! I went in for my interview and told they wouldn't know till the next week, but the assistant Principal was so impressed they called the next day.  I have lots of certifications to do today so that is what I will be doing all weekend.

Spreading myself too thin? I think not!

I was a cheerleader back in school and I loved it, I loved being loud ( I am really loud), I loved the uniforms, school spirit, all of it. I learned techniques and was a base for tossing girls. Just last year I saw that the girls were not as into it like we were, they didn't look enthusiastic they barely cheered and their half time routines were horrendous. Well I saw in the paper a couple of weeks ago that they were looking for a new cheerleading coach and of course I applied. I just said last season how I would love to be a coach. I had my interview this afternoon and everything went well. I will find out next week if I get the position. I can't wait! I know we are going through a lot right now and I have school and work all the time, but I really want this and I would love to coach these girls.

As for my infertility I had a minor freak out this morning and could not give myself my Lupron shot. I would get freaked out and it was horrible. I haven't even started stims yet so I really hope that I get over this because I don't know how I will be able to do another week at least of shots. I have bruising and so many puncture holes. ughhh.

And my # 1 Fan is...My Motha!

I absolutely love my mother, seriously. I feel like there are some important people in mine and Jon's lives that know we are going through our IVF and haven't even texted to see how we are doing. This is an emnotionally and physically hard time. I wish that some people would just say " how you holding up?' I guess that is why I have my mommy and I feel very blessed to have her. She is always listening when I have to call and vent about someone ( almost everyday) or something. I can call her and tell her I am freaking out because if everything goes right we will be getting pregnant in 2 and a half weeks, or how I seem to not be able to give myself shots anymore. She is just awesome and I love her.

I do not however love my mood right now. Everyone (other than mom) is pissing me off in some way. Poor Jon is lucky I haven't ripped his head off tonight, although I have been really snappy. I guess because I knew what to expect it has been easier to control, but today is one of those days I wish I could just say screw you to the world.

What a Weekend...

In a good way! My sister turned 18 yesterday so we started the festivities out on Friday for a birthday party. We carved pumpkins, had caramel apples and of course cake, I love cake! Than yesterday we went to the pumpkin festival it is huge in our area. there were 29,831! We also talked about getting sister tattoos for over a year now and my sister wanted them done on her birthday so.....

We got them!

The long one is my little sister's and it is on the back of her neck, pretty daring for a first tattoo I think. My older sister's is the one on the top left and that was on her foot. and mine is on the bottom left and it's on the inside of my wrist. I absolutely love them and really happy we got them.

As for my IVF cycle I have less than a week until I start stims!!! Things will really start moving after that. I am so excited and really can't wait.

Decisions

I hid my sister in laws pregnancy announcement on FB, is that bad? Oh well. I have been looking at other peoples protocol for their IVF cycles and it seems like they are all moving a hell of a lot faster than I am. I am on Lupron till the 27th and than start stims for about a week/ week and a half. It just seems like time is so slowwwww. I have been doing ok with symptoms from the Lupron, still getting headaches, hot flashes and mood swings. My hot flashes happen at night mostly, but my mood swings and headaches are all day..oh joy. Jon said I need to distance myself from people who are pissing me off lately, I asked him if he thought I was being dramatic, he smartly said no. It really hasn't been that bad, I am no more annoyed with certain people than I was before medication, ok maybe it is escalated a tad.

I recently had a conversation with my grandmother about my IVF. I have not told her anything before now and with good reason. My family on that side are extremely religious, they are Catholic and attend church every Sunday without fail. while I still identify as being Catholic and pray often, there were no questions as to if I should be doing IVF or not, maybe that makes me a bad Christian I don't know. But I figure if God really doesn't want me to have a child he won't grant me one, even if I do IVF. I mean if you believe in God look at it this way, he gave those doctors the knowledge to do things like ART. So anyways I told my gram and I don't think she is very happy about or decision to go through with this. I didn't think about it before and I should. Everyone is going to have an opinion about the process we chose to go through to have children, hell one of my client's daughters told me Jon wasn't father material because of our diagnosis of MFI. Who the f*ck says that?!?! I guess my rant is just that I am perfectly happy with our decision, morally and religiously and I hope other women can feel as content with their decisions what ever they are to start a family.

you might be an insensitive fertile if....

You know Jeff Foxworthy's " you might be a redneck?" well I have been thinking in that mentality today with infertility, how might they compare you might ask?

• If you ever called your infertile friend/ sister/ sister in law to come help you with your kids, you might be an insensitive fertile.
• If you have ever told an infertile friend/sister/sister in law that they are lucky they don't have kids yet, you might be an insensitive fertile.
• If you have ever told a whole room you are pregnant before telling your known infertile friend/sister/sister in law, you might be an insensitive fertile.
• If you have ever told your friend/sister/sister in law all your pregnancy symptoms and what you are going through every single day being pregnant with out being asked, you are DEFINITELY an insensitive infertile.

These are just a few I have come up with this morning, one of these things were done today. I am thrilled I have my mom and my husband to vent to because honestly it sucks when you have brought up how someone is being insensitive to your feelings, but it continues happening. When Jon and I were going back and forth about when we would actually do our treatment I thought it was a good idea to have them done before the holidays. Now I'm thinking that was a bad idea because if I don't get pregnant I am going to have to deal with some family members who are pregnant. I will have to hear how happy everyone is for them and think about how all the medical intervention in the world couldn't get me pregnant.

mood swings + Family= Pissed off infertile.

I am really getting sick of these emotional days. While driving today I was getting really pissed off at the other drivers, like really pissed. I imagined myself as a NASCAR bumping and drafting people to get them the hell out of my way. I finally make it home to go up to Jon's uncles house for his birthday party. my sister and brother in law come and pretty soon after start telling the family they are expecting again...this will be their 3rd...we started trying before they conceived their 2nd. Although I already knew this still stung a bit, I had to walk out of the room because truthfully I was still really in a pissed off mood from driving home from work earlier and didn't want to be bitter and possibly say something I didn't mean. I really hope this IVF works for us cause I really won't be able to deal with my sister in laws pregnancy otherwise. Although in all fairness I did tell her that I would be distant because it would be hard for me when she mentioned her and brother in law trying again. that was a whole mess of a fight I really don't want to get into. Needless to say it was a messy fight where feelings got hurt and possibly are still hurt...on my end.
I am getting fat again, I have 10ish pounds to lose so I'm not considered overweight anymore. I have been eating my feelings lately and it fucking sucks. My sister in law is also maybe 120 lbs so while she will look like one of those cute pregnant ladies (even after 2 kids already) I will look like a god damn house. Sister in law is also showing some now, and said she had dreams there were twins. Twins don't run in her family and no sane person would wish for them, but I feel like our pregnancy if achieved will pale in comparison if we get pregnant with a singleton. I think she said it because she thinks we are definitely transferring 2 eggs for our transfer and she doesn't want us having twins.
Yes, some how things are a competition and believe me it didn't start on my part. So I got myself rilled up again so I think it's time for me to get off and go relax, knitting should do the trick.

Oh hi mood swings.

Had one of those emotional days that my nurse was talking about. my niece and mom came with Jon and I to a corn maze today, they have this little cow train thing that is pulled by a four wheeler. Anyways my niece really wanted to do it, but the cars filled up before she got there. She is 2 years old and started crying. I felt horrible and wanted to cry with her. She got over it of course and was able to do the car train but I just felt awful. I was also watching a movie tonight and just started crying. I did get irritable as well, Jon has 4 younger siblings and 3 of them were on my last nerve at the maze today, however I know why they were bothering me so I of course kept my cool.
Yea this is going to be a fun next three weeks.....

Things only an infertile would get....

Today on the infertility board I frequent, a woman came for advice on how to be sensitve to her sister in law who has been trying for 5 years. First, this post irked me because she was saying how blessed she was to get pregnant right off and how she has a beautiful son now and how she doesn't know if she should wait to have number 2 till sister in law and her hubby get pregnant or decided to adopt. this bothers me because while yes, all babies are blessings and miracles, the pregnancies are not. When I get pregnant after 3 years and using all the medical means the infertile world has to offer, than it’s a friggin miracle. And about not having another till they get a child, that’s just silly, the sister in law would feel guilty and it would give you more of resentment for the sister in law which brings me to point 2.

`Second,  she says that she is hurt that sister in law hasn’t come to spend time with her son. She is the aunt and should be there. Well let me tell you something. No one owes your child or you anything. Just because you had him and she is his aunt does not mean she always has to be around. This really annoys me because I have dealt with it also. Until you go through the pain of not being able to get pregnant and wanting something so bad, you do not get to tell me how to feel. As a matter of fact you NEVER get to tell me how to feel. See this is the problem everybody thinks they’re entitled to something and that everyone owes them something. They think because they have children the family revolves around them. Guess what? It is does not. Only you and your partner’s lives revolve around your child certainly not mine or my husbands. I hate being made to feel like I owe time to someone.

                Another thing that was not in the post, but still bugs the hell out of me, having family holidays revolve around certain families that have children. My life doesn’t revolve around your children (like stated before) it is the holiday’s things that come once a year. If your child doesn’t have a nap at the same time as every other day it isn’t going to kill them, and its rude to make things all about you…again.

 

So maybe I am being hard at these easy baring children family members, but I am justifying my actions by blaming my medication that I am taking to gear up to do a cycle and try to get pregnant with the children I may never have,  give me a break.

1st day of our IVF cycle

Took my first Lupron shot today!! It’s like surreal, I can’t believe we are finally gearing up for our IVF and this is really happening! I got everything ready and was set to go and all of the sudden I chickened out. Jon wasn’t home so he couldn’t help me; I was all on my own. I ended up putting the Med back in the vial and started over. When I finally poked myself I was actually kind of embarrassed because I couldn’t even feel the needle go in.  I got a horrible burning and swelling from the HCG shot when I did my IUI in May so I was a little worried how this would be. I couldn’t even see where I put the needle in! I did have some redness and a very little burning, but nothing like the HCG. I also had minimal side effects just a small headache and I am feeling some mild hot flashes now.  1 day down and about 26 more to go for injections!

                I also have been thinking about how I want to tell family that we are pregnant. I haven’t really let myself daydream like this before because it was too painful. Now that I feel we actually have a chance of getting pregnant I have been thinking about it a lot. I thought we would do like a photo album and say something like “guess what? We’re pregnant!” but I don’t see that happening.  My mother in law now knows, my mom knows we are starting soon and my sister in law now knows so I don’t think we will be able to get away with not telling them right off. The women who do know I am happy knows because they will be my support system. They are the 3 women I am closes too, well and my sisters, I just haven’t had a chance to tell them yet.  My father in law also knows, but that’s because he is Jon’s boss, he needs to know for appointment reasons.

                So now the family does know and I really hope there isn’t a disappointing ending to our story.

Meds.

So I got my medication today, I looked in the box and became completely overwhelmed! There were a ton of needles. numerous pill boxes and a big freezer bag containing the only medication I knew about, the Lupron that I will be starting tomorrow morning promptly at 9 am. 

This is what my medication looks like in a nut shell and oh yea, this isn't all of it! I am missing some that I wont need until the 27th of this month

80+ needles 7-8 different kind of medications and a crap ton of alcohol wipes. Oh and can't forget the sharps container holding up one bag of needles!

 

This is going to be an interesting month and I am a little nervous on remembering how to do everything and figuring out when it needs to be taken. I think I am going to get a calander and just write all the meds and the times they need to be taken.

 

 

 

 

Intro

So a little about me, Jon and I have been married for 3 ½ years, we started dating in high school. I was 14 and it was 2002, Jon was 16 and a skateboarding rebel. Although it would seem that we feel in love at first sight that isn’t the case, I was with someone else and Jon was just my best friend. I broke up with the guy I was with and Jon kissed me that day. We have been together ever since. Well as most high school romances there were bumps along the way. Jon asked me to marry him after a friend’s wedding in June 2008 and we were married March 7^th 2009.

                 I love Jon for many reasons, but mostly it is his ability to cook, keep me calm and make me laugh (usually multiple times a day) he is quiet however he listens and is always the voice of reason while I am….a little more crazy. I am loud, talk really fast and worry about everything, I guess opposites do attract.

                I am starting this blog to really be able to talk about what Jon and I are going through as a couple dealing with Infertility. We have done one IUI and are now moving straight to IVF. We are dealing with MFI and it is a scary emotional roller-coaster sometimes…..ok most of the time.

                We started trying soon after we got married. I was off birth control for a year before we were married. I should have known something wasn’t right at this time, but I chalked it up to being bad timing.  April  2010 I started charting I would temp every day, spend $100’s of dollars on OPKs and pregnancy tests. After our year mark I went to the doctors to start testing. My OBGYN would not go forward until a SA was done. I believe Jon was really hesitant at this time. Had I known what we were going to through or what he was dealing with emotionally, I probably wouldn’t have pushed. As it was it did take months to get him to do the SA when he did his numbers came back high, but the motility was low.

                After these numbers we were referred to a Urologist. I was not really comfortable about going, I felt we were wasting our time. Fast forward 6 months and we still haven’t gone to the Urologist. I asked for a second SA because I thought DH’s numbers could have really changes since he quit smoking. Change they did, but not in a good way. Jon’s number went down significantly and his motility while better was still too low. I figured at this point to switch to a RE and see if we could move on without the Urologist.  This was one of our best decisions. Our doctor straight up told us that we could try an IUI , but with Jon’s numbers we would probably be moving on to IVF. We did our one IUI, Jon’s sample was very low and our doctor told us the chances that we conceived were very low.

                We met up 2 months later and discussed IVF 3 months later our testing is done and I start my first shot tomorrow!

                So that is our story and I will update more on my treatment.